Allison Holker Boss Opens Up for the First Time After tWitch's Death: 'He Wanted to Be Everyone's Superman'

It’sthe simple momentswith herlate husband,Stephen “tWitch” Boss, thatAllison Holker Bossmisses most.

After a busy day at work, they’d often convene in the kitchen to cook dinner together. “Stephen would hold my back every time I walked past him,” she recalls to PEOPLE in this week’s issue.

“No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn’t want people to know,” says Allison, 35, in her first interview since her husband’s death. “He just wanted to beeveryone’s Superman and protector.”

Allison Holker Boss and Stephen “tWitch” Boss.Courtesy Allison Holker Boss

Over the last few months, she’s struggled to reconcile the “beautiful” life they built together with the pain she realizes he must have endured alone.

“It’s been really hard because I can’t understand what was happening in that moment [he died],” says Allison, whofirst met Stephen in 2010when they appeared as All-Stars on Fox’s competition seriesSo You Think You Can Dance. (When they wedthree years later, Stephen adopted Weslie, Allison’s daughter from a previous relationship.)

“Stephen brought so much joy to this world, and he deserves to beremembered as the beautiful manhe was,” she says of continuing his legacy.

Allison Holker Boss.Nolwen Cifuentes

Through their work, Allison and Stephen had sought to spread hope and positivity together. “If I’m honest, when this happened I was really confused with what my new purpose was going to be,” she says.

“Then I actually spoke to my friend, Andy Grammer, and I expressed to him, ‘How am I going to still live out what I know is my purpose — love and joy — and has always been my family’s purpose?'” she recalls. “He said, ‘Allison, it’s still your purpose. It just looks a bit different now — and it’s a little more depth-filled.’ I’ll never forget that conversation because I feel like I knew it inside of me, but hearing it from a friend that I still have that purpose is helping me move forward as well.”

Adam Taylor/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty

Since losing Stephen, “I’ve had so many people — specifically men — reaching out to me, [saying] how they were so affected because they didn’t realize how much they were holding on to and not expressing,” she says. “I found that to be a lot to hold on to at first, but then I realized I want people to feel safe talking to me and to open up and understand that we have to support each other in these moments.”

“I could allow myself to go to a really dark place right now, and that would be valid and fine,” she adds. “But I want to choose a different way for myself and the kids.”

In the first few weeks after Stephen’s death,Allison’s trauma manifestedphysically. “You’re trying to help yourself and help your children and friends and family, and it took a toll,” she says. “Literally getting up in the morning was getting harder and harder.”

She began cold-plunging at night, which helped her body release the crippling tension. “It’s now a part of my daily practice,” she says. “Spiritually and mentally, it’s really helped as well.”

Losing the backbone of their family has created a new dynamic between Allison and her kids, one that’s built on honest communication.

“I’m trying to teach them — and myself — that if you’re angry or sad, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person,” she says. “We’re coping together, and that requires trust and being really vulnerable.”

Courtesy Allison Holker Boss

Theirhome is still a sanctuary, and Allison has left Stephen’s things untouched. “He was such a family man, and there’s so much of his love in this house,” she says. “He brought so much loveto this world. He did it with so much joy, and he was so cool when he did it too. I want my kids to know that, too.”

After a particularly difficult day in February, Allison stepped into their backyard to spend time with Stephen.

Allison Holker with Weslie, Maddox and Zaia.Allison Holker/instagram

Without her partner, Allison hasn’t been able to return to theshared passion that first broughther and Stephen together.

“Dancing with him was so special,” she says, “I haven’t danced yet. That’s gonna be a big step for me, but I know that I’ll get there. He’s guiding me on this path.”

For more on how Allison Holker Boss and her kids are continuing the legacy of Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday, or subscribehere.

Watch the full episode of People Features: Allison Holker Boss below

source: people.com